follow me if you wish...
well some nice people sent me a paid account. now at this moment i am too inebriated to link et al but these wonderful people have done far too much for me and they now the have if only because i am telling them now.
there was an entry earlier due to ER episode telling of carter's demise, which is plainn sad as he is the only original memebr left. there was sadness and a rant about having no one around but hten tonight happened and i relaisedi am luckier than most. i just wish that a certian somebody would be online instead of busy everytime i come online.
i am losing everything i once was yet gaining something spectaular, in a way i was never willing ot admit. and anythign caried with me from my former life is god's gift to an alreaady lucky person. i may be saying something different come next thursday. (Results day if u aren't familiar with brit culture.)
I got a lift with apoliceman that fancies a friend of a friend and had a great night out with poeple i shouldn't have had a great night out with. i hate my life but i love it. i was looking for reassurance and i found it how many people in their life can say that, that they want something and go out and get it.
well guys when i come up with a name, (probably tomorrow) there will be secret links.and secret hidden things to show you where to go. and the truth is that if u didn't give me freedom i don't want you to ever find me. i miss the knowledge that no one knows me. and honesty if i give u soemthigni thoguth grattitude and just general understanding woudl follow but it never seemsto. 90210 situation. and if you understand that u were either born in the 80s or are sad, possibly even both.
i had a point. but you forgot it when u stopped knowing who i was.
I have just sat here and cried for the past 5 mnutes. Reading words and caring for a person that is hurting,
knowing (do i really know) what things means. there are no worsxds to describe what this feeling is other than helplessness, the sort of feeling of wanting to take the person who is hurting intoyour arms and holding them. You want to make the world better, you want to stop the tears.
i never told anybody what happened that day. i was early. waiting in the familair booth were things changed and i broke. i ran to tha bathroom, and then out of the building completly and ran back to school where i should've been in the first place. i let you down. i am sorry.
god hwmuch i wanted to have mattered. i hold onto evertything but i didn't really matter, and maybe the ending talked about yesterday just showed me exactly how little i meant. truth is i still just wanna be there. maybe be a shoulder for you. everywayi try there are obstacles, and i am so scared, but i will stop that. honest i will.
please hold together. lyrics :
You don't have to change the way you are
I really don't think you're giving yourself a chance
I wish you could hear someone to say
Baby don't change, baby don't change
Do your own thing you're beautiful the way you are
truth is i miss you. because you were so wonderful.
It is the finale of dawson's creek.
That in itself shouldnt' be a bad thing, it is only a tv programme after all. but it hurts. Gone is all the tv that i started school with, that i shared with firends, and this one in particular was with a person that i now have lost contact with. it was something we shared, and only us, it was the oone thing i had that no one else had, i wasn't as close to that person as much as i would have liked and now i don't communicate with them at all, which is entirly due to me.
emotional due to tiredness and loneliness. then reading the full final season of dawson's reek was really hard especially as the ending sound really crap and the do the fast forward thing that is so damn stupid. (one thing to those who understand why absolutly no mention of andi?)
i wish i had something to look forward to but right now the future looks distintly dark, as in tunnel dark. shor termi have things to make me happy, btu nothing conmncretre about my future. oh well
can't even write properly.
i had an exam today
there are so many loud people, here, stressed, unworried, carefree. exams and play! supposed work and crammed revision.
i want to smile so i went a hunting and yet again there are wonderful people that never cease to amaze me.
i want to not feel jealous, i want to be good, and right and wonderful, but i can't help it. so much at the moment is opposing what i feel. should i listen to my head or my heart?
I feel so immature thinking of who I want to be, because she isn’t even real.
they are fighting each other, my heart is already bruised and mended and so painfully raw. my head is incapable numbed by exams, and today it was just too much.
walking to school, aches all over, just thinking i wish i could not have anything to worry about but exams.
i think of a dear friend, she was almost in tears, i am so worried, i hope someone can get through. i know some one will otherwise i would try.
i am living for tomorrow. what happens when it is all over? when tomorrow has been? tomorrow does come, and then it leaves too soon. sitting in a public place, so i hide. no one will see the tears. no one shall know what is happening no one!
deep and meaningfuls last night, they signal impending doom, i have sorted out others lives so now mine can go to pot. i don't care anymore i am angry. not even tears of sadness, tears of red hot anger.
my ghosts won't leave me alone. oh god someone talk to me, frantic emails, scrambled out, no hint of true desperation, because if you don't know then i can't be hurting you. where is ebveryone? no one is there :( i need to scream. nowhere to go.
i feel like i am failing i am so sorry i cannot do this i am failing i cannot carry on the skin on my wrists looks so tanned and unbroken i cannot do this i am still awke and your voice is in my head oh god stop it now please so i can get some sleep so i can rest my body acting like a forty years old aches and pains and knots. do and do nots i am not even eigthteen and i am giving up hope because my only hope may have given up on me oh stop this i shall stay away from the cool silver that i asked you not to look for that i begged for you to ignore you did becauase you knew i was serious something in my eyes maybe or maybe because i sounded so desperate or maybe because you are too nice
stop this i cannot do this
two days later three years ago was when my world finished. how can a world finish? well it was a world of the carefree. everyone knows i have changed but they don't know why. i can face anything and on the outside look like i rock. i can be anybody's rock and on the inside crumble.
we can't be falling apart, we can't be unstable. stop for 3 days then let the world crumble again. 3 days stop everything so that i can tell myself that we are alright. just for 3 days because if we don't sop i may fall to pieces.
two days three years and the cause never found out. my deception practised, lies forged of iron. people say why do you lie? i say in my heart because if i didn't then i would fall. i am what i am. i may not be enough but i shall try.
my love goes to sleep whilst i stay awake. 120 hours at least i will be able to smile insomnia with wonderful wowness of seeing and picturing. i loook at pills and they are inviting an dblades they all look so wonderful but one thoug and i just curl up in bed
not sleeping allthoughts but one gone.
i looked into your eyes and saw happiness but today all i feel is pain. i know that if i looked there now i would see everything that i don't want to see. your blue eyes that stopme speaking, stop me talking, stop me breathing.
these words are tumbling out of my mouth, once tied fingers dance about because there is freedom! i don't care anymore. but oh i can't stop caring. your words o!, i missed a heartbeat.
please make two days three years bearable please just save me. i ask to much because i have seen too much and i have done too much, i will tell all but just save me right now save me.
shivers down my aching spine it is alive shivering cold and weary, joints refsuing to mive, underfed, over stressed, over tired. i am old i am old for iahev seen more hours of the day. i am old formy brain has done to much, my aching body wants rest. 4 more hurdles, 4 more. overcome them and your body will not collapse, undercome and your body will explode.
i am not see through, you cannot hear what i am saying. my babbling confuses you, not badly mistyped, not badly grammatised, i hope, not badly written, just no cohesion, no type of form, no type of care. i read the recent past and i shall care again, i missed it all. and this babbling is keeping me sane. 6am tomorrow morning 3 hours from now i shall get up and go into town. get a coffee and become sane.